Manner and Means

I've been listening to this Caedmon's Call song a lot lately. On repeat. It's absurdly beautiful.

I keep meditating on the words. I don't know what the band meant when they wrote it, but I just keep thinking about my life as a missionary.

Danielle sings, "I am a shell of the manner and the means // Mine is a story of nothing as it seems." I think about testimony, and this strange instrument that is my life, the one that is supposed to help people encounter Jesus Christ. I am the vessel. My life is one of extraordinarily great things that are terribly hidden; sometimes I don't even recognize the wonders God works. It all seems pretty ordinary, nothing really remarkable, but God is daily transforming my heart, my mind, and my will.

She continues, "My heart is thinly veiled in the usual fears." Yep. It sure is, Dani. Sometimes I am paralyzed by that thin veil. Sometimes I don't want to do this strange job that is not just a job but a calling, and the performance reviews are actually pretty similar to things I am sure I'll have answer for in the end. This is serious business. I am afraid. I pray the Lord to throw back that veil and wed me in His Word.

The chorus is particularly thought-provoking for me. "When it's over and you see it with your eyes // would you rather have the truth or a lie?" Granted, I wish ol' Caedmon's Call had been a little more forthright and said, "When it's over and you see Him with your eyes...", but that's beside the point. These words keep sounding in my head. CeeCee, when it is over, will that student still prefer to not be offended or put into an awkward situation at the cost of the Truth? When she has to look Him in the eyes, would it be better for me to have spoken the entire truth in love or watered it down for her comfort? Would you rather have the truth or a lie? The Truth costs.

I pray that I don't offend and that I'm as minimally awkward, for their sakes, as possible, but in the end I would rather have the truth, and I think they will too.