Unrest

These past three semester I have been trucking along with little thought to the reality of my life post-graduation. I have been focusing on living life day-to-day, a way I find is generally positive. However, as I have settled into my fourth, and nearly-final semester, I realize that I have been ignoring the tomorrows that can no longer be ignored. Unrest.

At the end of this month I have to turn in a request form for the hospitals and units where I would like to "precept" this Spring. I must now decide where I will spend the last three months of my college life in a 256 hour internship (days or nights, 7 on/7 off, 8 or 12 hour shifts) to complete my college education and obtain my undergraduate degree in Nursing from Auburn. This doesn't seem like such a huge deal unless I consider the fact that there are May 2009 AUSON graduates who in October 2009 still do not have jobs. There were 20 Nursing students who precepted at Children's Hospital in Birmingham, where I plan on precepting, and only 5 of them were hired and are currently working there. All this talk about jobs freaks me out and has forced me to think about the reality of things. What is my heart saying?

I do not want to be a nurse.

It's not that I think I would make a bad nurse. It's not that I don't think I can handle it. But in my heart I can't imagine being happy as a nurse. I enjoy the work I do now; it is rewarding and nursing is a beautiful profession, but my heart longs for something different. I have tried so hard to be satisfied in Nursing. I have tried so hard to make this work into the work of my heart, but it hungers and thirsts still. It will not be silenced.

This weekend provided me with the opportunity to be close to God, to see His Light in the faces of 60 young people, to listen to their deepest fears, to encourage them to greater holiness, and to love them with all my heart. And in this closeness with God I felt a pull on my heart to love and serve young people. I want to be there for young people as they struggle with their Faith. I want to help them discover and rediscover Our Lord's mercy and great love. This is where my heart feels satisfied. This is where my heart longs to be: working with young people, building up the kingdom of God here on earth, ensuring the future of our Church.

Well, what does this mean for today? It means that today I am waking up and doing my schoolwork. It means I will study for my test on Monday and go to clinicals tonight. I will provide the best possible care I can for my patients now and in the Spring. It means I will complete my undergraduate degree in Nursing. But it also means that I am acknowledging my unrest and am struggling to find the path that God has laid out before me. May God be with me. May He open up the doors that lead me to where my heart finds rest.

"Thou hast prompted him, that he should delight to praise thee, for thou hast made us for thyself and restless is our heart until it comes to rest in thee."

St. Augustine